I am a bad Christian

Not a day goes by that I don’t fail. I fail to behave, speak, think, feel, and choose Jesus over my flesh. It might be when I check out of the grocery store, with a captive audience in the cashier, that I choose not to smile back and treat her with dignity, rather I am quiet and avoid eye contact. It might be over a phone call that I sound frustrated, short, and dismissive because I am not getting what I want quick enough. I might avoid returning text messages because I don’t want to have another unemotional impersonal conversation where I have to choose my words so carefully as to not offend the other person, rather than just calling them. I might snap at my husband for no reason other than I am being inconvenienced by his question verses me responding with kindness. I might think of people I love and care for all day long and don’t take the opportunity to consider that the Holy Spirit might be priming me to reach out. I might see a friend at the mall and intentionally avoid running in to her because I don’t have makeup on when she probably doesn’t either. I might lie, cheat, gossip, blame, avoid, deny, justify, or ignore out of spite, anger, offense, unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, vanity, selfishness, judgment, and shame.

All of these are me missing the mark. All of these are me being a bad Christian.

15 I’m a mystery to myself, for I want to do what is right, but end up doing what my moral instincts condemn.

Romans 7:15-20 TPT

I look in the mirror every day and the first thing I see is a lopsided crown with a few missing jewels and a couple of dings. It’s worse for wear, just like me. Does God expect us to be perfect? Absolutely not! I am more than halfway through this life and I have a long list of imperfections that I have spent countless hours pleading over in prayer and a ton of money trying to get perfect. All vanity sister.

The tension in our daily lives comes from agreeing with God’s commands and not being able to do them. The result is we become painfully aware of our sin. Becoming a Christian doesn’t mean that we are now immune to sin – like a flue vaccine kinda prevents us from getting really sick. Accepting Jesus’ invitation to be born again takes a moment of faith, but to become like Christ is a lifelong process.

1 So now the case is closed. There remains no accusing voice of condemnation against those who are joined in life-union with Jesus, the Anointed One.

Romans 8:1 TPT

If it wasn’t for God’s grace and mercy covering my sin daily, I would be a stressed and worn out mess. Like mascara running down my face from tears of regret, really bad hair, and lipstick more on my face than my lips mess. I wouldn’t be able to get it together no matter how much I tried. When God gives us His mercy, He is NOT giving us what we deserve. I know I deserve the consequences of my sinful choices. God chooses to give me mercy instead. When God gives us grace, He is giving us something we don’t deserve. I deserve eternal punishment but God gives me his grace in freedom from sin and eternal life with Christ. Grace and mercy. They are beautiful, brilliant, colorful, lavash, priceless, divine, Holy, and redeeming. Grace and mercy are miraculous expressions of God’s great love for you and I through Christ.

I am a bad Christian who loves my good God.